Tag: polyamory

How to Start BDSM or M/s Relationships or Contracts

Ashtyn Drapela

Most people do BDSM for psychologically healthy reasons. It is with those people in mind that this is being written. Very early on in dating, they are transparent about needs, are willing to be vulnerable, set aside ego, and maintain those throughout the relationship to the best of their ability.

Healthy dynamics have:

  • Commitment to communication
  • High level of trust
  • Focus on partner’s happiness
  • Co-construction of a reality that satisfies needs of both partners
  • Compatibility doesn’t mean identical kinks
  • Use of deeper protocols when issues arise

What level of commitment are you and they willing to make towards communication? Complete transparency?

Do you leave yourself vulnerable to trusting me with your body and soul, boy? Do you leave yourself vulnerable to trusting me with letting you hold it, Ma’am?

Compatibility doesn’t mean identical kinks. One does not need to meet every inexhaustible fantasy reservoir our minds think up to be compatible in bed or in mind. It’s about how you make the ones you do match matter. Or, sometimes in M/s case, it doesn’t matter if only the Master wants it. It will happen.

How to Keep Your slave Happy

Ashtyn Drapela

Masters and Mistresses, how do You keep Your slaves happy?

How do You keep Your slaves from leaving You? How do You keep them following You? Why should You be their Leader?

My Master knows exactly why i wouldn’t leave. Have you told your Masters why you wouldn’t leave, lately? It’s follow or leave. Where is the line for you? At any point you can leave, but that’s it. It’d be over forever. This special little moment in time when you were Theirs.

Is the line yelling? Is it clipping off body parts? Is it shoving you in a closet for hours when you have childhood trauma from that?

All break-ups happen because of communication or unreasonable expectations. The same is true of M/s. If my Master has the expectation that i would let Him put a file into my nail bed, He’s got another thing coming. There are a lot of tortures I would follow Him to, but He knows where the line is.

Do you know your line?

My Roller-coaster Year with the Mistress 2

Ashtyn Drapela

To recap, my year with the Mistress ended recently so I’m reviewing our time together. We spent many evenings together over the first half of our relationship.

That next weekend after Easter, we went to the Astros’ game (also high out of our minds) with my Master and my husband as well. I remember how strange it was to not be following behind her and instead following my Master. I was much more used to following her through a crowd, at any rate.

The weekend after that was finally the trip she invited me on. The one I would have been stupid to refuse as far gone as I was on her. I met her two friends. I made a good impression as far as she was concerned. We got high and did puzzles and a hike. We went on a brewery crawl.

On our way home at the airport, the airport in Charlotte on a Sunday is not my happy place, I missed my flight. I spent two hours just trying to get past security. I was so anxious I straight up disassociated. She found me on the other side, gripped my wrists and promised me, “This will never happen again. I will take care of everything.”

And she did, she walked me to the help desk, talked to them about what happened (it was no big deal because literally there was a line of people before and after me with the same experience), and took me to my gate. She protected me from myself and from external forces.

We both considered this our anniversary weekend. The first weekend where we were truly, well and good alone. Where I performed services for her in anticipation of her needs. (Like pre-slicing the bagel I knew she would eat based on the morning previously.)

I started following her around like a lost puppy after that. A love-sick puppy. We either had sleepovers or I’d be over at her place up to two to four times a week. Except her trip to Pittsburg where we only shared a phone call. I loved talking with her on the phone. It was one of the few opportunities she gave me to talk.

We went to concerts and musicals and breweries and even spent a weekend in Colorado. Again, high out of our minds on weed and love. I had such an amazing time.

It was just two weeks after that, the highest of the high, that we had The Fight. Two weeks later, we celebrated her birthday and that’s where it all went downhill for our M/s side…

Displeasing the Master

Ashtyn Drapela

Displeasing one’s Master is hardly the intentional act, right? Maybe most of the time, anyway. We’ll excuse when I’m ‘spicy’ as a break in mental faculties. I can spend my whole life avoiding my Master’s wrath but it’s going to happen. When it does, what do you do?

Grovel?

Beg?

Plead?

Or stand your ground?

For me, planting my feet and defending myself came naturally. Defending myself from injustice mattered the most. Running away took precedence. Not being a servant was the default for me.

The three distinct personality traits my submission takes: the slave, the little, and the puppy. And all along, the puppy knew. The slave saw one Master and one Mistress, but the puppy?

“The puppy has one Master.” I said it on the trip to Corpus Christi, one week before The Fight. “Mistress can only have the slave.”

Negotiating Scenes in BDSM

Ashtyn Drapela

Introduction

A crucial step for beginning play is negotiation. There really isn’t a tried and true method for having the conversation. Communication, however it can happen, is key. Make sure you feel confident enough going into the conversation with these tips.

Google Sheets

The best way for me to negotiate a scene is to use a self-made Google Sheets Negotiation List. I leave little notes where applicable, but the main idea is going through the list with your partner. Sometimes we spend time discussing fantasies we’ve had and breaking down the parts that most appeal to us.

Conversation

The most fruitful way for me to have a conversation on consent and negotiation is to have it over a messaging system. For example, I create a different group in Telegram and invite a potential play partner to join. We discuss things in a neutral, open space which we can then reference over time.

However, we both agree to not editing or deleting anything from the past. This is important because it takes a lot of trust.

Conclusion

There’s no one-size-fits all negotiation. Kink life is custom tailored to whatever works for you. If you want to let your freak flag fly on Google Sheets like me, hopefully the link above has helped in a small way.

Where to Find Polyamorous and Kinky Partners

Ashtyn Drapela

Introduction

It’s all well and good to decide you’re polyamorous but the next step is finding the loves of your life. How do you flag as polyamorous in public? Besides wearing a T-shirt that says “poly and looking,” how do we find potential partners?

Dating Apps

The simplest answer is often the best. Being open about who you are and what you’re looking for on dating apps is the tried and true method. I personally have found several amazing partners from the apps.

OkCupid is what I’ve had the most luck on, personally. I found my Master on there. The match percentages are interesting, but ultimately useless. If you’re under an 80% threshold you won’t make a good match, but being above it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll make a good match.

Fetlife

Fetlife is not a dating app, however, it is a way to find potential partners. I found that being open on my page, frequenting events, and paying attention to who follows me as the best way to find potential partners.

For instance, I met a Dom at an event (MAsT Houston) and added him on Fetlife. I spent a while vetting him and watching him post before messaging him and asking for his Telegram username.

Friends

The easiest network of people to work with is a polyamorous friend group. Join a local polyamorous group and make some friends! They’ll help you through unique hardships and celebrations as a polyamorous person.

Conclusion

Whether you use OkCupid or your friends matchmake for you, finding a polyamorous partner isn’t easy. However, the results are completely worth fighting for. Life your fantasy and be happy.

33 Questions to Ask Potential Partners

Ashtyn Drapela
  1. Do you have an end date in mind for this?
  2. What are you looking for from this?
  3. What kinky dynamic, if any, are you wanting from this?
  4. What time commitments are you wanting?
  5. How flexible are you?
  6. What context does our time take? (Dates, playdates, hanging out, events, other)
  7. How do you feel about communication with other partners during our time together?
  8. Are there times you won’t want contact? How will you communicate this need?
  9. How can I support you through hard times?
  10. What are your feelings on physical affection?
  11. What terms of endearment do you like?
  12. How often do you need sex from this?
  13. Who pays for dates?
  14. Is there a limit on how much that can be spent on gifts, and how often?
  15. What makes you feel jealous?
  16. How do you express anger or annoyance? What do you think is the best way for us to work through that?
  17. How should we address jealousy if it comes up?
  18. Who do we tell about our relationship? Facebook/Fetlife official? 
  19. What titles do we have? (Boyfriend, partner, lover, etc.)
  20. How do you feel about meeting families?
  21. What do we share about our other partners?
  22. How involved do we want to be with our metamours?
  23. STI testing? Contraception?
  24. What are your deal breakers?
  25. What are some of your relationship boundaries?
  26. Do you have a love language?
  27. Do you have an apology language?
  28. How do we celebrate holidays/birthdays/anniversaries/etc?
  29. Are there things (activities, places, etc.) that are just for some but not all partners?
  30. Do you have any triggers that should be avoided?
  31. How will we know if the relationship isn’t working?
  32. What’s your poly style?
  33. How involved do you want us to be involved in each other’s kids lives, if any?

My Roller-coaster Year with the Mistress 1

Ashtyn Drapela

My year with the Mistress was a wild one. In our relationship, the highs were high and the lows were low. Let’s consider the first part of our relationship the ‘getting to know you’ phase. That takes us back to last December 18, 2021.

We met at Chris’ Yulemas party, which is a kind of Friendsgiving for Christmas. I was bent over the kitchen counter being beaten with a honing rod as a pervertible for texting my Master “fuck you” (which was well warranted at the time because he was not my Master yet.) And apparently got yelled at for making the Mistress sit in the one chair that didn’t match the set. It was a glorious night until later, but that’s a different story.

After that night, we didn’t really pick up again until February. I suppose her seasonal depression was over and mania was back on the menu. We began meeting at Moontower Inn, which is a brewery and bar. They serve the most delicious and devilish items. On Mondays, they have a $5 mug night where you buy their mug and bring it back-

Anyway, my husband enjoys this deal and we began Moontower Mondays. After finding out that she was going to South Plains Leatherfest (a.k.a. SPLF, a weekend of learning about leather history and culture, Master/slave relationships, and not without some debauchery), I bought a ticket on the spot. I asked my then-boyfriend Cletus if I could room with him and his roommate Bun and their boyfriend.

That weekend was riotous, but again, another story another time. We’re just giving an overview. We spent the weekend together and she then invites me on a penis-less retreat in Asheville with her and two friends. Of course, I accept. I’m madly in love with her at this point.

The weeks after SPLF, the Mistress, I, my husband, and my Master went to brewery after brewery after brewery. Until my mental breakdown in April.

Then, on Easter Sunday we went to Bunnies on the Bayou. High out of our fucking minds. I got a girl’s number. We danced. We drank. We talked. It was hot and sweaty and lovely. I swear when she smiled the whole world smiled with her.

Fly on the Wall 2

Ashtyn Drapela

“So, now I’ll start from the beginning.” She circled back. “I don’t think we’ve had this conversation before…” Mistress paused stirring to look at me, “Just like the earth has a molten core, I am literally built around a core of anger. I am angry all the time.”

“But that doesn’t mean I can’t make pretty mountains, trees, beaches.” Her tone changed to light to terrifying in an instant, “But I am a volcano waiting to happen at any moment. I love how anger feels. Absolutely love it. But I hate what it does to other people. I am a natural disaster of anger. If you felt overwhelmed by what I gave you on Thursday?”

She paused again to look at me, away from her cooking, “You have NO idea the capacity I have. I am a volcano ready to erupt at any moment. All I have is anger.”

I shifted on my feet, trying to remain impossibly invisible.  

“You see it when I hate the patriarchy. You see it when I estrange myself from my mother and sister. You see it when I take a decade to talk to my ex even though I still love him.” Her voice broke.

Then I broke. Tears came unbidden.

“I wasn’t angry at you until Thursday and now I don’t know what to do, Ashtyn. Because we are incompatible- if you cannot handle my anger? It would be like telling Chris he can’t beat you. If you can’t get yelled at? If it ‘hurts your feelings’ and you have to walk out on me? And I have to worry whether or not you self-harm? It’s about you! So that you don’t self-harm! Not about me making sure the volcano has a chance to erupt so that it has a chance to be over.”

My eyes closed as I tried to compose myself.

“You literally tried to put a cork in a volcano, Ashtyn,” She shook her head in disgust, “and I’m pissed about that. Because you didn’t want a volcano.”

“But that’s what I am.” She said with finality.

Mistress let an ominous silence settle over the kitchen. She transferred the chicken to the pot and stirred. Then she gave a quick sigh, “Before we spend too much time, I know am not going to change. Because I don’t have to change.”

“We’ve gone this far without a fight. But we will always fight when you make a bad decision.” She began with gusto, “When you make a decision that’s different than the decision I would make.” Her hand slammed on the counter, “What did I tell you we were doing here? I am training you to be me! I am training you to make the same decision I would make in the same situation. The same set of resources. You did not do that this week.”

“It could have just been a lesson. And we could have had some punishment and it would have been over, but Ashtyn you walked out on me.” She whispers the last part with such an expression on her face. It conveyed everything and nothing. That she was furious and right and disappointed and at the same time, it meant not a thing. I knew we were over. I was already cutting the threads of our relationship.

“Apparently you walked out on Chris, too. Because he hadn’t known where you had gone. What makes you think you get to walk out? Why did you walk out? I mean. Why?”

That was a separate matter, I thought. “I just needed to get away.” I had needed to get in my car and hit my head and wrench my hair and scream and cry. I needed a bloody autistic meltdown that I couldn’t get with her yelling at me in her car. Of course I left. No one wants to see me like that.

“Well, you might get more than you bargained for there. How ‘away’ do you really want to be, Ashtyn? I don’t chase after people.” But she had. She called me that day. When I was 2 blocks away pulled over and red in the face from screaming and crying. She told me to make my way to the flower arranging class one of two ways. The two choices she gave me were to get back in her car or go in mine. As I was already in my car and looked like a fucking mess, I made the decision to go on my own and calm down.

“You want to leave?” She asked, then pointed to the door, “Fucking go.”

Fly on the Wall 1

Ashtyn Drapela

“So, what did Chris tell you? No, scratch that. What Aldi did you go to this morning. Is that the one I told you to go to?”

“No Mistress.” I murmured. I had known it would be unacceptable. Still, I had done it my way.

“So, why didn’t you do as I told you because I was trying to make it convenient for you. I’m sure in your head you were trying to get done as fast as possible. But Ashtyn, it’s like you’ve forgotten everything I’ve ever taught you. What have I said? It matters how you get the job done. I told you how I wanted the job done.” She sighed.

“You did it your way.” She said simply. There was no denying that. I was angry at her and wanted her to know, so I did it how I wanted to do it. She was always seeing the best in me and not just seeing the messages I was sending through protocol. Like she had wanted.

Mistress went back to stirring the pan in the kitchen. Then, as if she couldn’t care a whim what my answer was said, “So, what did Chris tell you?”

“He said that you and him are not the same and to remember that. But that he didn’t want to say more and betray your confidence.” I said, voice a thin reed.

“Okay. He asked if he could talk to you and I said he could if he felt like talking to you would better y’alls relationship or dynamic. Um…” She paused, “I think I’m going to start at the end and go back.”

“I’m not sure that this is even about school. Because what I’m pissed off about now is the fact that you walked away from me. And that’s all I see. And the fact that you walked away from me before I was even done with my anger. And so now I’ve had no place to put this anger. What pisses me off is this has become about you and your needs. It has nothing to do with me about my anger and what I need to do to get through that.” She hisses across the room.

“It’s become about ‘not hurting your feelings.’” She continued in a mocking tone, “It’s become about making sure that you don’t get so upset and overwhelmed that you walk away. It’s about making sure I don’t yell at you.”

“It’s about… you.” She hurtled at me with dramatic pause. “And that is not in alignment with me.”

“You basically called red on Thursday and I had thought you had given me authority. I thought you had consented to not being able to flag red and that’s exactly what you did. And now it’s about me properly grounding you when I’m upset. Making sure that you had what you need. You needed some time away. You needed some time away.”

Her voice trailed off as Alexa rang in the background for some timer set. Later, she would tell me that she was cooking to calm herself so that she wouldn’t come unglued.

“Well, I needed to finish yelling at you.”