Tag: polyamory

Effective Communication in Polyamorous Relationships

Ashtyn Drapela

Effective communication is key in any relationship, but it is especially important when juggling multiple paramours (partners) and metamours (partners of your partner). Keeping open lines of communication can help one to set boundaries, navigate jealousy and insecurity, as well as relationship changes. Here are a few do’s and don’ts to consider when it comes to effective communication:

DO:

  • Establish clear and consistent boundaries and expectations with each partner. This includes topics such as safe sex, relationship agreements, and what is generally acceptable behavior.
  • Practice active listening by paying attention to what your partner is saying, asking clarifying questions, and trying to put yourself in their shoes.
  • Be open and honest about your thoughts, emotions, and needs. It’s vital to be upfront about what you want and need in relationships so that you may find solutions that work for everyone.

DON’T:

  • Assume your partner knows what you want or need. As stated above, explicitly communicate your wants and needs to your partners.
  • Keep secrets for your partners. Relationships that last are built on trust and honesty. Hiding things from your partner or your metamour can have damaging long-term effects.
  • Manipulate or control your partners. Your partners have their own wants and needs. Using communication to manipulate or control the situation won’t build a strong relationship.

By following these do’s and don’ts, you can create a strong foundation of communication in your polyamorous relationships. This will help them thrive! Remember, communication is a continuous process that you must hone. It’s important to keep lines of communication open, heart-felt, and respectful in order to have fruitful conversations with your partners.

Navigating Polyamory in a Monogamy-Dominated World

Ashtyn Drapela

Polyamorous individuals may face challenges and stigmas that monogamous individuals might provide. In this post, I will offer tips for finding support and building healthy relationships despite all that.

Navigating polyamorous relationships can be challenging in a society that often values monogamy and stigmatizes non-monogamous relationships. Some challenges might include losing friends, family, or even your position at work. In “This Heart Hold’s Many” by Koe Creation, they talk about how a member of their tribe was demoted due to being seen on television supporting their family.

Here are a few things to consider when it comes to navigating polyamory in a monogamy-dominated world:

  • Be prepared for judgment and stigma: It’s unfortunately common for people in polyamorous relationships to face judgment and stigma from friends, family, and society at large. It’s important to remember that these attitudes are often based on misinformation or prejudice, and to stand firm in your own values and beliefs.
  • Find supportive communities: It can be helpful to connect with other polyamorous individuals or communities, both online and in person. These communities can provide support, advice, and a sense of belonging.
  • Educate others: If you feel comfortable, consider sharing your experiences and knowledge about polyamory with others who may be curious or have misconceptions. This can help reduce stigma and promote understanding.
  • Take care of yourself: Navigating polyamory in a monogamy-dominated world can be emotionally and mentally taxing. It’s important to take care of yourself and seek support if you need it. This might include talking to a therapist, seeking support from trusted friends or family, or finding online resources.

Remember, polyamory is a valid and fulfilling way of life for many people. It’s important to stay true to yourself and your values, and to surround yourself with supportive people who respect and accept your choices.

The 24 Signs You Are in a Consensually Toxic Relationship

Ashtyn Drapela

This list really starts with number 2 because the most important part of this checklist is that you consented at one point or another. If you feel like this list describes you and you did not meet the criteria for number 1, please reach out for help.

  1. You consented to a consensually toxic or abusive relationship.
  2. Your partner humiliates you by calling you names like “cunt, bitch, whore,” etc.
  3. Control is a key factor in how they engage with you such as monitoring your behavior.
  4. They blame you for their own abusive behavior, “If you didn’t make me so angry I wouldn’t have…”
  5. Your partner frequently gaslights you by denying facts and toxic or abusive behavior.
  6. You are insulted in creative and backhanded ways, like, “Your big ears are lovely.”
  7. Whether you are polyamorous, monogamous, or something in between, your partner acts out their jealousy and possessiveness.
  8. Sometimes they lash out at you for no fault of your own. Like hitting you in the back of the head when they’re frustrated by a project.
  9. Speaking of hitting you in the head, did you know you can get a nose bleed from being boxed around?
  10. You can also get a nose bleed if they ram your face into the carpeted floor. You may also get carpet burn on your forehead.
  11. In public, your partner embarrasses you like giving up intimate details of your sex life.
  12. Your partner might take unflattering photos of you. The pictures could be posted to social media.
  13. Oftentimes your partner hints that they’ve started an OnlyFans account without your permission.
  14. They criticize your hard work or the fact that you’ve fallen behind on your chores despite depression.
  15. Your partner maintains strict control over your social media accounts, even requiring you to ask permission to change your passwords.
  16. They read your personal, private messages and emails and reference them in conversations.
  17. With or without your knowledge, they track your location and movement. This could be through an app like Life360 or a hidden car tracker.
  18. They demand all your time and attention to the detriment of your other relationships.
  19. Your partner might claim their personal problems are somehow your fault. For example, they blame you for being late to a meeting when you had nothing to do with it.
  20. Manipulation is their bread and butter. “You don’t want to disappoint me, do you?”
  21. They relish the bruises on your face and promise to try harder next time they’re punching you.
  22. You are habitually threated with physical violence in order to modify your behavior.
  23. Your partner controls your food intake with no explanation. “You’re not eating lunch today.”
  24. Despite a known history of childhood abuse, they may yell loudly to frighten and trigger you.

This was a fun list to make. Remember kids, you can’t effectively abuse your partners if you don’t know them well enough. This list might have just been a “24 Ways to Fuck with me Specifically” for all I know.

BDSM Thought Experiments: Irrevocable Consent and Memory Loss

Ashtyn Drapela

My Master and I play the question game all the time. Which basically means, we take turns asking random things. This time, my question was, “If I had amnesia, would you consider my irrevocable consent revoked?” It’s an interesting notion because how irrevocable is it, then, if his answer is yes?

Amnesia can be caused by a variety of factors including injury, illness, or substance abuse. If you consider how frequently someone like me takes blows to the head, it’s something important to question.

Consent is an active part of most healthy and respectful BDSM or vanilla sexual relationship. It involves actively seeking and participatory receiving of agreement from partners before engaging in activities. However, navigating consent can become complex in the context of memory loss, like amnesia.

That being said, my Master and I practice something called irrevocable consent. You can read more about that here on Hannah the Scribe’s blog post “What Makes Irrevocable Consent Okay” or “Why I Chose Irrevocable Consent as a Label, What It Means to Me, and Why I Write About It.” To summarize, “no safe words, no limits.” I do not have the power to end my relationship, play, dynamic, etc. This is how I wanted it when I consented. This is how I currently want things, though now I consider it a moot point. I consented to slavery. Wanting things doesn’t matter.

If I had my memory of the last few years erased, would I want my consent revoked? Or rather, would the person I be like to? I’d like to think that I wouldn’t. I honor my commitments and I hope this other version of myself would as well. Sure, I wouldn’t know the ins and outs of what giving that consent once looked like. However, I would know that I gave it based on these blog posts and personal anecdotes from friends and family.

There would be a lot of growing pains, too. I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons in the last few years. Things hard won. A peace I never knew existed before Master. Losing that would be an immeasurable back-step. Going back to that chaos, would he even still want me?

Okay, well, I asked him and he said he would still want me. 😛

Kink and Polyamory Relationship New Years Resolutions

Ashtyn Drapela

Today, I looked through a pile of old documents and treasures. Letters, pictures, ticket stubs, brewery coins, and even rocks. We reflect on the old as we get started towards the new. In the past, I have set yearly goals for myself, but never in the context of polyamory and kink.

2023

My polyamorous goals of 2023 are as follows:

  • Write vows and have a wedding ceremony for my Master and myself.
  • Go on weekly dates with my husband.
  • Find a cute girl to gush over and fall head-over-heels in love with.

My kink goals of 2023 involve:

  • Drowning lessons
  • Complete a class list for Master
  • Book classes for us to teach at
  • Be involved in a gang bang
  • More suspension!

All About Polyamory

Ashtyn Drapela

Are you new to polyamorous relationships? Do you want more resources? Would you like to learn all about polyamory? Welcome to your master list of resources for polyamory relationships and more!

So, you’ve met someone new and you’re working to get a compatibility score with them. How do you figure out how compatible you are?

33 Questions to Ask Potential Partners

Above are 33 Questions to ask a potential polyamorous partner!

Maybe you’re not there yet and the issue is finding your potential polyamorous partner.

Where to find Polyamorous Partners

Click the link for a post on how to find your potential polyamorous partner!

A Story for Another Day 1

Ashtyn Drapela

Back in December 2021 I had some sort of full-on catastrophic, traumatic mental breakdown for me and everyone involved. It was Yulemas, which is a kind of Friendsgiving for Christmas time, at my then-boyfriend’s (now-Master’s) house. We had all spent the night drinking heavily. At one point, I was bent over a kitchen counter and punished with a honing rod as a pervertible. At another point, my then-boyfriend’s then-wife slapped me.

Safe to say it was a crazy night for us all but oh-ho-ho it was about to get so much worse. The Mistress leaves for the night and my then-boyfriend begins wailing on me. He takes one of the wine bottles and with me laying on the floor in front of him, pours wine down my throat. I drink as much as I can, though some got all over my hair and neck.

He proceeds to strangle me by the neck and hit my face over and over again. Blissful. Magical. But then he leaves abruptly with us in his living room and he and his then-wife in their bedroom.

I begin to sob. I’m inconsolable. He left me. He left me for her. Earlier that night, without discussing it with her then-husband, my metamour announced that she and my Master were trying for a baby. I was triggered beyond words thinking about how empty my life would be if he left me because of her. And what do I always do when I’m in emotional distress?

Run away.

Fast-forward to being tucked into bed a drunken mess, I manage to shake my husband and my Master and duck out of the house with no shoes on. It was a blustery, winter night after a day of rain. My socks were soaked in seconds as I rushed along the sidewalk towards…

What I was going towards didn’t matter. It was only going away that mattered. Away from all the hurt. I could go back. I knew it even in the strange, dreamlike feelings I was having. But first I needed to breathe and I couldn’t do that until I hid. I climbed an iron fence into a field of mud. Tiny burrs prickled my frozen feet as I stepped forward into the paddock as a horse trotted up to me.

She was white and gleaming in the moonlight as I stood dumbfounded. I had grown up around horses, so I held my hand out to her nose and slowly began patting her neck. She nuzzled into my back with her large jaw. I looked around for something to get on top of her with, thankfully there were not any stools.

To be continued…?

The Smallest Spoon – Emotional Sadism in a BDSM Scene

Ashtyn Drapela

Really, the first clue should have been when he shoved me in the chest until I fell over. But it wasn’t until much later that I realized the traps my Master had been setting.

“We’re all out of small spoons,” I said, handing over a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Master is particular when it comes to utensils. Small spoons are good, small forks are abhorrent.

“Why are we out?” He pounced at the opportunity.

“B-because I need to do dishes?” That wasn’t true. My other husband’s chores were dirty dishes. He had been grading all weekend and hadn’t had time. A few nights before, Master had begun putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher in order to be helpful. However, it triggered some powerful memories in me of my parents angrily doing the dishes. I asked him to just let me do them.

“Why couldn’t you hand wash one?” His face was stone cold.

“I’m sorry. I can go get one now.” I turned to go but he put out one hand to stop me.

“No.” He handed me his controller to the videogame he had been playing.

I held back tears while I completed whatever task he asked of me. Looking back, I assume it was to make sure I was okay enough to leave his presence.

After making a beeline for my office so I could cry in peace, I got to work. I started a load of dishes, cleaned the cat pans, put up laundry, and mopped. It didn’t matter what I did, I still felt a heaviness in my heart. I was in the kitchen making sure we had all the ingredients for pork chops when he left his office. He didn’t once look at me as he got his own drink from the fridge. A task normally left to me. Uh-oh.

Tentatively, I followed him back to his office. I stood outside his door, listening quietly as I shored my resolve. Knocking twice with one knuckle, I opened the door and smiled as widely as I could.

“What are you feeling for lunch today? We have a few options.” I showed him the recipes. As we discussed, I noticed his clipped tone. His dismissive attitude. He chose the pot pie.

“Are you okay?” I asked, my hand on the door knob ready to leave.

“No.”

“What’s wrong?”

“You.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Yeah.” He crossed his arms and frowned, “Why are you so lazy?”

My heart dropped and my eyes filled with tears.

“Why couldn’t you have taken the 3 seconds to be exceptional and washed the spoon?” He continued.

“I’m sorry.” I choked out. “I’m sorry. I just- I didn’t think of that.” I broke down in a sob.

“Come here.” He held out his hand.

I shook my head and took a step back, fearing his wrath. “Please, I’m sorry, I’ll remember next time.”

“Come. Here.” He repeated.

Stepping forward, hot tears left streaks on my cheeks. I took his outstretched hand.

He removed my glasses, a move usually reserved before blows to the head, and I shuddered. But he didn’t strike me. He pulled me into a hug. I sobbed against his shoulder, repeating his words in my head. Lazy. Good for nothing. Disappointment. I needed to run. I needed to get away. I ne-

“I need to go,” Came out unbidden through wet gasps of breath, “I need to go, I need to go!”

My default response mode. Flight.

“You’re not going anywhere. I’m fucking with you.” He admitted with a smile.

“Not real?” I asked, disbelieving.

He invoked our safe word to show the seriousness of his words, “I’m just fucking with you. I’m being cruel.”

Despite his words, I began sobbing in earnest. Master had known how deeply his words would cut me.