Tag: dating

Effective Communication in Polyamorous Relationships

Ashtyn Drapela

Effective communication is key in any relationship, but it is especially important when juggling multiple paramours (partners) and metamours (partners of your partner). Keeping open lines of communication can help one to set boundaries, navigate jealousy and insecurity, as well as relationship changes. Here are a few do’s and don’ts to consider when it comes to effective communication:

DO:

  • Establish clear and consistent boundaries and expectations with each partner. This includes topics such as safe sex, relationship agreements, and what is generally acceptable behavior.
  • Practice active listening by paying attention to what your partner is saying, asking clarifying questions, and trying to put yourself in their shoes.
  • Be open and honest about your thoughts, emotions, and needs. It’s vital to be upfront about what you want and need in relationships so that you may find solutions that work for everyone.

DON’T:

  • Assume your partner knows what you want or need. As stated above, explicitly communicate your wants and needs to your partners.
  • Keep secrets for your partners. Relationships that last are built on trust and honesty. Hiding things from your partner or your metamour can have damaging long-term effects.
  • Manipulate or control your partners. Your partners have their own wants and needs. Using communication to manipulate or control the situation won’t build a strong relationship.

By following these do’s and don’ts, you can create a strong foundation of communication in your polyamorous relationships. This will help them thrive! Remember, communication is a continuous process that you must hone. It’s important to keep lines of communication open, heart-felt, and respectful in order to have fruitful conversations with your partners.

The 24 Signs You Are in a Consensually Toxic Relationship

Ashtyn Drapela

This list really starts with number 2 because the most important part of this checklist is that you consented at one point or another. If you feel like this list describes you and you did not meet the criteria for number 1, please reach out for help.

  1. You consented to a consensually toxic or abusive relationship.
  2. Your partner humiliates you by calling you names like “cunt, bitch, whore,” etc.
  3. Control is a key factor in how they engage with you such as monitoring your behavior.
  4. They blame you for their own abusive behavior, “If you didn’t make me so angry I wouldn’t have…”
  5. Your partner frequently gaslights you by denying facts and toxic or abusive behavior.
  6. You are insulted in creative and backhanded ways, like, “Your big ears are lovely.”
  7. Whether you are polyamorous, monogamous, or something in between, your partner acts out their jealousy and possessiveness.
  8. Sometimes they lash out at you for no fault of your own. Like hitting you in the back of the head when they’re frustrated by a project.
  9. Speaking of hitting you in the head, did you know you can get a nose bleed from being boxed around?
  10. You can also get a nose bleed if they ram your face into the carpeted floor. You may also get carpet burn on your forehead.
  11. In public, your partner embarrasses you like giving up intimate details of your sex life.
  12. Your partner might take unflattering photos of you. The pictures could be posted to social media.
  13. Oftentimes your partner hints that they’ve started an OnlyFans account without your permission.
  14. They criticize your hard work or the fact that you’ve fallen behind on your chores despite depression.
  15. Your partner maintains strict control over your social media accounts, even requiring you to ask permission to change your passwords.
  16. They read your personal, private messages and emails and reference them in conversations.
  17. With or without your knowledge, they track your location and movement. This could be through an app like Life360 or a hidden car tracker.
  18. They demand all your time and attention to the detriment of your other relationships.
  19. Your partner might claim their personal problems are somehow your fault. For example, they blame you for being late to a meeting when you had nothing to do with it.
  20. Manipulation is their bread and butter. “You don’t want to disappoint me, do you?”
  21. They relish the bruises on your face and promise to try harder next time they’re punching you.
  22. You are habitually threated with physical violence in order to modify your behavior.
  23. Your partner controls your food intake with no explanation. “You’re not eating lunch today.”
  24. Despite a known history of childhood abuse, they may yell loudly to frighten and trigger you.

This was a fun list to make. Remember kids, you can’t effectively abuse your partners if you don’t know them well enough. This list might have just been a “24 Ways to Fuck with me Specifically” for all I know.

All About Polyamory

Ashtyn Drapela

Are you new to polyamorous relationships? Do you want more resources? Would you like to learn all about polyamory? Welcome to your master list of resources for polyamory relationships and more!

So, you’ve met someone new and you’re working to get a compatibility score with them. How do you figure out how compatible you are?

33 Questions to Ask Potential Partners

Above are 33 Questions to ask a potential polyamorous partner!

Maybe you’re not there yet and the issue is finding your potential polyamorous partner.

Where to find Polyamorous Partners

Click the link for a post on how to find your potential polyamorous partner!

A Story for Another Day 1

Ashtyn Drapela

Back in December 2021 I had some sort of full-on catastrophic, traumatic mental breakdown for me and everyone involved. It was Yulemas, which is a kind of Friendsgiving for Christmas time, at my then-boyfriend’s (now-Master’s) house. We had all spent the night drinking heavily. At one point, I was bent over a kitchen counter and punished with a honing rod as a pervertible. At another point, my then-boyfriend’s then-wife slapped me.

Safe to say it was a crazy night for us all but oh-ho-ho it was about to get so much worse. The Mistress leaves for the night and my then-boyfriend begins wailing on me. He takes one of the wine bottles and with me laying on the floor in front of him, pours wine down my throat. I drink as much as I can, though some got all over my hair and neck.

He proceeds to strangle me by the neck and hit my face over and over again. Blissful. Magical. But then he leaves abruptly with us in his living room and he and his then-wife in their bedroom.

I begin to sob. I’m inconsolable. He left me. He left me for her. Earlier that night, without discussing it with her then-husband, my metamour announced that she and my Master were trying for a baby. I was triggered beyond words thinking about how empty my life would be if he left me because of her. And what do I always do when I’m in emotional distress?

Run away.

Fast-forward to being tucked into bed a drunken mess, I manage to shake my husband and my Master and duck out of the house with no shoes on. It was a blustery, winter night after a day of rain. My socks were soaked in seconds as I rushed along the sidewalk towards…

What I was going towards didn’t matter. It was only going away that mattered. Away from all the hurt. I could go back. I knew it even in the strange, dreamlike feelings I was having. But first I needed to breathe and I couldn’t do that until I hid. I climbed an iron fence into a field of mud. Tiny burrs prickled my frozen feet as I stepped forward into the paddock as a horse trotted up to me.

She was white and gleaming in the moonlight as I stood dumbfounded. I had grown up around horses, so I held my hand out to her nose and slowly began patting her neck. She nuzzled into my back with her large jaw. I looked around for something to get on top of her with, thankfully there were not any stools.

To be continued…?

My Roller-coaster Year with the Mistress 2

Ashtyn Drapela

To recap, my year with the Mistress ended recently so I’m reviewing our time together. We spent many evenings together over the first half of our relationship.

That next weekend after Easter, we went to the Astros’ game (also high out of our minds) with my Master and my husband as well. I remember how strange it was to not be following behind her and instead following my Master. I was much more used to following her through a crowd, at any rate.

The weekend after that was finally the trip she invited me on. The one I would have been stupid to refuse as far gone as I was on her. I met her two friends. I made a good impression as far as she was concerned. We got high and did puzzles and a hike. We went on a brewery crawl.

On our way home at the airport, the airport in Charlotte on a Sunday is not my happy place, I missed my flight. I spent two hours just trying to get past security. I was so anxious I straight up disassociated. She found me on the other side, gripped my wrists and promised me, “This will never happen again. I will take care of everything.”

And she did, she walked me to the help desk, talked to them about what happened (it was no big deal because literally there was a line of people before and after me with the same experience), and took me to my gate. She protected me from myself and from external forces.

We both considered this our anniversary weekend. The first weekend where we were truly, well and good alone. Where I performed services for her in anticipation of her needs. (Like pre-slicing the bagel I knew she would eat based on the morning previously.)

I started following her around like a lost puppy after that. A love-sick puppy. We either had sleepovers or I’d be over at her place up to two to four times a week. Except her trip to Pittsburg where we only shared a phone call. I loved talking with her on the phone. It was one of the few opportunities she gave me to talk.

We went to concerts and musicals and breweries and even spent a weekend in Colorado. Again, high out of our minds on weed and love. I had such an amazing time.

It was just two weeks after that, the highest of the high, that we had The Fight. Two weeks later, we celebrated her birthday and that’s where it all went downhill for our M/s side…

Displeasing the Master

Ashtyn Drapela

Displeasing one’s Master is hardly the intentional act, right? Maybe most of the time, anyway. We’ll excuse when I’m ‘spicy’ as a break in mental faculties. I can spend my whole life avoiding my Master’s wrath but it’s going to happen. When it does, what do you do?

Grovel?

Beg?

Plead?

Or stand your ground?

For me, planting my feet and defending myself came naturally. Defending myself from injustice mattered the most. Running away took precedence. Not being a servant was the default for me.

The three distinct personality traits my submission takes: the slave, the little, and the puppy. And all along, the puppy knew. The slave saw one Master and one Mistress, but the puppy?

“The puppy has one Master.” I said it on the trip to Corpus Christi, one week before The Fight. “Mistress can only have the slave.”

Negotiating Scenes in BDSM

Ashtyn Drapela

Introduction

A crucial step for beginning play is negotiation. There really isn’t a tried and true method for having the conversation. Communication, however it can happen, is key. Make sure you feel confident enough going into the conversation with these tips.

Google Sheets

The best way for me to negotiate a scene is to use a self-made Google Sheets Negotiation List. I leave little notes where applicable, but the main idea is going through the list with your partner. Sometimes we spend time discussing fantasies we’ve had and breaking down the parts that most appeal to us.

Conversation

The most fruitful way for me to have a conversation on consent and negotiation is to have it over a messaging system. For example, I create a different group in Telegram and invite a potential play partner to join. We discuss things in a neutral, open space which we can then reference over time.

However, we both agree to not editing or deleting anything from the past. This is important because it takes a lot of trust.

Conclusion

There’s no one-size-fits all negotiation. Kink life is custom tailored to whatever works for you. If you want to let your freak flag fly on Google Sheets like me, hopefully the link above has helped in a small way.

Where to Find Polyamorous and Kinky Partners

Ashtyn Drapela

Introduction

It’s all well and good to decide you’re polyamorous but the next step is finding the loves of your life. How do you flag as polyamorous in public? Besides wearing a T-shirt that says “poly and looking,” how do we find potential partners?

Dating Apps

The simplest answer is often the best. Being open about who you are and what you’re looking for on dating apps is the tried and true method. I personally have found several amazing partners from the apps.

OkCupid is what I’ve had the most luck on, personally. I found my Master on there. The match percentages are interesting, but ultimately useless. If you’re under an 80% threshold you won’t make a good match, but being above it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll make a good match.

Fetlife

Fetlife is not a dating app, however, it is a way to find potential partners. I found that being open on my page, frequenting events, and paying attention to who follows me as the best way to find potential partners.

For instance, I met a Dom at an event (MAsT Houston) and added him on Fetlife. I spent a while vetting him and watching him post before messaging him and asking for his Telegram username.

Friends

The easiest network of people to work with is a polyamorous friend group. Join a local polyamorous group and make some friends! They’ll help you through unique hardships and celebrations as a polyamorous person.

Conclusion

Whether you use OkCupid or your friends matchmake for you, finding a polyamorous partner isn’t easy. However, the results are completely worth fighting for. Life your fantasy and be happy.