Tag: bdsm

The 24 Signs You Are in a Consensually Toxic Relationship

Ashtyn Drapela

This list really starts with number 2 because the most important part of this checklist is that you consented at one point or another. If you feel like this list describes you and you did not meet the criteria for number 1, please reach out for help.

  1. You consented to a consensually toxic or abusive relationship.
  2. Your partner humiliates you by calling you names like “cunt, bitch, whore,” etc.
  3. Control is a key factor in how they engage with you such as monitoring your behavior.
  4. They blame you for their own abusive behavior, “If you didn’t make me so angry I wouldn’t have…”
  5. Your partner frequently gaslights you by denying facts and toxic or abusive behavior.
  6. You are insulted in creative and backhanded ways, like, “Your big ears are lovely.”
  7. Whether you are polyamorous, monogamous, or something in between, your partner acts out their jealousy and possessiveness.
  8. Sometimes they lash out at you for no fault of your own. Like hitting you in the back of the head when they’re frustrated by a project.
  9. Speaking of hitting you in the head, did you know you can get a nose bleed from being boxed around?
  10. You can also get a nose bleed if they ram your face into the carpeted floor. You may also get carpet burn on your forehead.
  11. In public, your partner embarrasses you like giving up intimate details of your sex life.
  12. Your partner might take unflattering photos of you. The pictures could be posted to social media.
  13. Oftentimes your partner hints that they’ve started an OnlyFans account without your permission.
  14. They criticize your hard work or the fact that you’ve fallen behind on your chores despite depression.
  15. Your partner maintains strict control over your social media accounts, even requiring you to ask permission to change your passwords.
  16. They read your personal, private messages and emails and reference them in conversations.
  17. With or without your knowledge, they track your location and movement. This could be through an app like Life360 or a hidden car tracker.
  18. They demand all your time and attention to the detriment of your other relationships.
  19. Your partner might claim their personal problems are somehow your fault. For example, they blame you for being late to a meeting when you had nothing to do with it.
  20. Manipulation is their bread and butter. “You don’t want to disappoint me, do you?”
  21. They relish the bruises on your face and promise to try harder next time they’re punching you.
  22. You are habitually threated with physical violence in order to modify your behavior.
  23. Your partner controls your food intake with no explanation. “You’re not eating lunch today.”
  24. Despite a known history of childhood abuse, they may yell loudly to frighten and trigger you.

This was a fun list to make. Remember kids, you can’t effectively abuse your partners if you don’t know them well enough. This list might have just been a “24 Ways to Fuck with me Specifically” for all I know.

BDSM Thought Experiments: Irrevocable Consent and Memory Loss

Ashtyn Drapela

My Master and I play the question game all the time. Which basically means, we take turns asking random things. This time, my question was, “If I had amnesia, would you consider my irrevocable consent revoked?” It’s an interesting notion because how irrevocable is it, then, if his answer is yes?

Amnesia can be caused by a variety of factors including injury, illness, or substance abuse. If you consider how frequently someone like me takes blows to the head, it’s something important to question.

Consent is an active part of most healthy and respectful BDSM or vanilla sexual relationship. It involves actively seeking and participatory receiving of agreement from partners before engaging in activities. However, navigating consent can become complex in the context of memory loss, like amnesia.

That being said, my Master and I practice something called irrevocable consent. You can read more about that here on Hannah the Scribe’s blog post “What Makes Irrevocable Consent Okay” or “Why I Chose Irrevocable Consent as a Label, What It Means to Me, and Why I Write About It.” To summarize, “no safe words, no limits.” I do not have the power to end my relationship, play, dynamic, etc. This is how I wanted it when I consented. This is how I currently want things, though now I consider it a moot point. I consented to slavery. Wanting things doesn’t matter.

If I had my memory of the last few years erased, would I want my consent revoked? Or rather, would the person I be like to? I’d like to think that I wouldn’t. I honor my commitments and I hope this other version of myself would as well. Sure, I wouldn’t know the ins and outs of what giving that consent once looked like. However, I would know that I gave it based on these blog posts and personal anecdotes from friends and family.

There would be a lot of growing pains, too. I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons in the last few years. Things hard won. A peace I never knew existed before Master. Losing that would be an immeasurable back-step. Going back to that chaos, would he even still want me?

Okay, well, I asked him and he said he would still want me. 😛

How to Start BDSM or M/s Relationships or Contracts

Ashtyn Drapela

Most people do BDSM for psychologically healthy reasons. It is with those people in mind that this is being written. Very early on in dating, they are transparent about needs, are willing to be vulnerable, set aside ego, and maintain those throughout the relationship to the best of their ability.

Healthy dynamics have:

  • Commitment to communication
  • High level of trust
  • Focus on partner’s happiness
  • Co-construction of a reality that satisfies needs of both partners
  • Compatibility doesn’t mean identical kinks
  • Use of deeper protocols when issues arise

What level of commitment are you and they willing to make towards communication? Complete transparency?

Do you leave yourself vulnerable to trusting me with your body and soul, boy? Do you leave yourself vulnerable to trusting me with letting you hold it, Ma’am?

Compatibility doesn’t mean identical kinks. One does not need to meet every inexhaustible fantasy reservoir our minds think up to be compatible in bed or in mind. It’s about how you make the ones you do match matter. Or, sometimes in M/s case, it doesn’t matter if only the Master wants it. It will happen.

Negotiating Scenes in BDSM

Ashtyn Drapela

Introduction

A crucial step for beginning play is negotiation. There really isn’t a tried and true method for having the conversation. Communication, however it can happen, is key. Make sure you feel confident enough going into the conversation with these tips.

Google Sheets

The best way for me to negotiate a scene is to use a self-made Google Sheets Negotiation List. I leave little notes where applicable, but the main idea is going through the list with your partner. Sometimes we spend time discussing fantasies we’ve had and breaking down the parts that most appeal to us.

Conversation

The most fruitful way for me to have a conversation on consent and negotiation is to have it over a messaging system. For example, I create a different group in Telegram and invite a potential play partner to join. We discuss things in a neutral, open space which we can then reference over time.

However, we both agree to not editing or deleting anything from the past. This is important because it takes a lot of trust.

Conclusion

There’s no one-size-fits all negotiation. Kink life is custom tailored to whatever works for you. If you want to let your freak flag fly on Google Sheets like me, hopefully the link above has helped in a small way.

Where to Find Polyamorous and Kinky Partners

Ashtyn Drapela

Introduction

It’s all well and good to decide you’re polyamorous but the next step is finding the loves of your life. How do you flag as polyamorous in public? Besides wearing a T-shirt that says “poly and looking,” how do we find potential partners?

Dating Apps

The simplest answer is often the best. Being open about who you are and what you’re looking for on dating apps is the tried and true method. I personally have found several amazing partners from the apps.

OkCupid is what I’ve had the most luck on, personally. I found my Master on there. The match percentages are interesting, but ultimately useless. If you’re under an 80% threshold you won’t make a good match, but being above it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll make a good match.

Fetlife

Fetlife is not a dating app, however, it is a way to find potential partners. I found that being open on my page, frequenting events, and paying attention to who follows me as the best way to find potential partners.

For instance, I met a Dom at an event (MAsT Houston) and added him on Fetlife. I spent a while vetting him and watching him post before messaging him and asking for his Telegram username.

Friends

The easiest network of people to work with is a polyamorous friend group. Join a local polyamorous group and make some friends! They’ll help you through unique hardships and celebrations as a polyamorous person.

Conclusion

Whether you use OkCupid or your friends matchmake for you, finding a polyamorous partner isn’t easy. However, the results are completely worth fighting for. Life your fantasy and be happy.

33 Questions to Ask Potential Partners

Ashtyn Drapela
  1. Do you have an end date in mind for this?
  2. What are you looking for from this?
  3. What kinky dynamic, if any, are you wanting from this?
  4. What time commitments are you wanting?
  5. How flexible are you?
  6. What context does our time take? (Dates, playdates, hanging out, events, other)
  7. How do you feel about communication with other partners during our time together?
  8. Are there times you won’t want contact? How will you communicate this need?
  9. How can I support you through hard times?
  10. What are your feelings on physical affection?
  11. What terms of endearment do you like?
  12. How often do you need sex from this?
  13. Who pays for dates?
  14. Is there a limit on how much that can be spent on gifts, and how often?
  15. What makes you feel jealous?
  16. How do you express anger or annoyance? What do you think is the best way for us to work through that?
  17. How should we address jealousy if it comes up?
  18. Who do we tell about our relationship? Facebook/Fetlife official? 
  19. What titles do we have? (Boyfriend, partner, lover, etc.)
  20. How do you feel about meeting families?
  21. What do we share about our other partners?
  22. How involved do we want to be with our metamours?
  23. STI testing? Contraception?
  24. What are your deal breakers?
  25. What are some of your relationship boundaries?
  26. Do you have a love language?
  27. Do you have an apology language?
  28. How do we celebrate holidays/birthdays/anniversaries/etc?
  29. Are there things (activities, places, etc.) that are just for some but not all partners?
  30. Do you have any triggers that should be avoided?
  31. How will we know if the relationship isn’t working?
  32. What’s your poly style?
  33. How involved do you want us to be involved in each other’s kids lives, if any?