All About Polyamory

Ashtyn Drapela

Are you new to polyamorous relationships? Do you want more resources? Would you like to learn all about polyamory? Welcome to your master list of resources for polyamory relationships and more!

So, you’ve met someone new and you’re working to get a compatibility score with them. How do you figure out how compatible you are?

33 Questions to Ask Potential Partners

Above are 33 Questions to ask a potential polyamorous partner!

Maybe you’re not there yet and the issue is finding your potential polyamorous partner.

Where to find Polyamorous Partners

Click the link for a post on how to find your potential polyamorous partner!

Pathological Demand Avoidance and M/s

Ashtyn Drapela

Hi, I’m Ashtyn and I’m autistic with a pathological demand avoidance (PDA) profile and a slave in a Master/slave (M/s) dynamic! While it seems like a specific set of internal processes and external behaviors, it is different for everyone who experiences it. My own brand of autism could be the same in name as yours but look different inside and out. We are people, after all, not profiles.

First off, let’s define a demand. A demand can be social rules, promises, expectations, pecking order, or many other things. Basically, demand avoidance involves not being able to do things for yourself or others at certain times. We all do this to some extent, but marked demand avoidance is a significant trait in the PDA profile.

So, what exactly does this look like for me?

  • High levels of anxiety in social situations
  • Strong need for control over environment and routines
  • Underlying difficulty in understanding social interactions
  • Requiring a level of sameness and rigidity in routines
  • Intense focus, often on other people, to the point of obsession
  • Resistant and avoidant to demands (even if familiar with the activity/task)
  • Difficulty following instructions or complying with rules
  • Need for autonomy and agency within relationships

Ostensibly, this list is almost entirely in conflict with a M/s dynamic. As a slave, I give up control. I must follow instructions and comply with his rules. I give up my rights to autonomy and agency. I navigate social interactions for him. Seems fundamentally opposed to the M/s handbook to have a brain that works this way. However, my Master and I have learned ways to cope and thrive.

Our relationship takes a collaborative approach with negotiated demands and expectations. Unilateral decision making doesn’t happen often without conversation. I need to feel like my thoughts and feelings are heard even if I don’t get the final say. We keep the lines of communication completely open at all times. This requires a lot of emotional regulation on both our parts. Neither one of us wants to fly off the handle and call the other an “asshole,” right?

Master is patient with me when giving instructions. He sometimes has to repeat himself or text me instructions instead. He makes things easier to do. For example, brushing my teeth is one of the hardest demands in the book! He often brushes his teeth with me to help settle the avoidant knee-jerk. However, this doesn’t always work. We’re realistic about what I can accomplish in a given day.

As for being resistant to demands, it’s impossible to completely erase. I have to be very open with Master about my ability to do things. I can literally just say “I can’t do that right now” and we can discuss further. Obedience isn’t the foundation of our relationship, it’s understanding.

We’ve also decided on the term power slave for me. It means I function with a high level of autonomy within the M/s framework following his guidance. Basically, he tells me where he wants to go, and I figure out how to get there. This closely ties in with anticipatory service insomuch as I anticipate the paths he would want. I don’t always choose the right one, but every mistake is a learning opportunity.

The M/s framework for protocols and rituals mimic my need for sameness in routines. For example, from a very early age I needed to always walk on the same side of people. My friends were baffled but complied. Now, walking to the right and behind is a protocol in which I revel. Additionally, we have a morning ritual which I follow with rigidity. It feeds the part of me that needs sameness to function.

In short, the pathological demand avoidant profile for an autistic can mean one needs a high level of autonomy in life. A PDA profile does not mean one cannot be a slave. With trust, empathy, and communication anything is possible. Using the M/s framework might even be helpful for someone with this profile by providing structure in routines.

Effective Communication in Polyamorous Relationships

Ashtyn Drapela

Effective communication is key in any relationship, but it is especially important when juggling multiple paramours (partners) and metamours (partners of your partner). Keeping open lines of communication can help one to set boundaries, navigate jealousy and insecurity, as well as relationship changes. Here are a few do’s and don’ts to consider when it comes to effective communication:

DO:

  • Establish clear and consistent boundaries and expectations with each partner. This includes topics such as safe sex, relationship agreements, and what is generally acceptable behavior.
  • Practice active listening by paying attention to what your partner is saying, asking clarifying questions, and trying to put yourself in their shoes.
  • Be open and honest about your thoughts, emotions, and needs. It’s vital to be upfront about what you want and need in relationships so that you may find solutions that work for everyone.

DON’T:

  • Assume your partner knows what you want or need. As stated above, explicitly communicate your wants and needs to your partners.
  • Keep secrets for your partners. Relationships that last are built on trust and honesty. Hiding things from your partner or your metamour can have damaging long-term effects.
  • Manipulate or control your partners. Your partners have their own wants and needs. Using communication to manipulate or control the situation won’t build a strong relationship.

By following these do’s and don’ts, you can create a strong foundation of communication in your polyamorous relationships. This will help them thrive! Remember, communication is a continuous process that you must hone. It’s important to keep lines of communication open, heart-felt, and respectful in order to have fruitful conversations with your partners.

Navigating Polyamory in a Monogamy-Dominated World

Ashtyn Drapela

Polyamorous individuals may face challenges and stigmas that monogamous individuals might provide. In this post, I will offer tips for finding support and building healthy relationships despite all that.

Navigating polyamorous relationships can be challenging in a society that often values monogamy and stigmatizes non-monogamous relationships. Some challenges might include losing friends, family, or even your position at work. In “This Heart Hold’s Many” by Koe Creation, they talk about how a member of their tribe was demoted due to being seen on television supporting their family.

Here are a few things to consider when it comes to navigating polyamory in a monogamy-dominated world:

  • Be prepared for judgment and stigma: It’s unfortunately common for people in polyamorous relationships to face judgment and stigma from friends, family, and society at large. It’s important to remember that these attitudes are often based on misinformation or prejudice, and to stand firm in your own values and beliefs.
  • Find supportive communities: It can be helpful to connect with other polyamorous individuals or communities, both online and in person. These communities can provide support, advice, and a sense of belonging.
  • Educate others: If you feel comfortable, consider sharing your experiences and knowledge about polyamory with others who may be curious or have misconceptions. This can help reduce stigma and promote understanding.
  • Take care of yourself: Navigating polyamory in a monogamy-dominated world can be emotionally and mentally taxing. It’s important to take care of yourself and seek support if you need it. This might include talking to a therapist, seeking support from trusted friends or family, or finding online resources.

Remember, polyamory is a valid and fulfilling way of life for many people. It’s important to stay true to yourself and your values, and to surround yourself with supportive people who respect and accept your choices.

Anticipatory vs Reactive Service

Ashtyn Drapela

For those in service to their Dom, Domme, Master, or Mistress the are several approaches on how to serve. They go by different names like preventative, curative, and restorative. However, for our purposes we will use anticipatory and reactive service. So, what are they?

Anticipatory service is is when the s-type partner actively anticipates and meets the needs of the D-type partner before those needs are expressed. This type of service requires the s-type to be attentive, observant, and to carefully act with haste. The s-type is expected to be proactive in their service and take initiative to fulfill their partner’s needs, wants, and desires. For instance, without being asked, checking your D-type’s bathroom for a full toilet paper roll and fresh hand towels.

On the other hand, reactive service is when the s-type responds to the D-type partner’s commands or actions. This might manifest as specific instructions or set of rituals and customs which the D-type previously established. For example, if your D-type’s drink is dry you wait for them to tell or ask for a new one. Ostensibly, this approach is less demanding. However, for those of us whose natural inclination is anticipatory service, it can feel like serving with one hand tied behind your back.

My own experiences are a blend of both approaches. Overall, I fall into the anticipatory category, but I am merely human. Anticipating every need all the time can be taxing especially with other stimuli. Both approaches have their own unique benefits and disadvantages. Reactive service allows the s-type to focus on following instructions and responding to demands to the letter. Whereas anticipatory service enables the s-type to be in tune with their D-type insomuch as feeling like a mind-reader!

It’s important to note that communication, as always, is key to ensure that both parties feel comfortable and confident with the approach they are providing and receiving. Talk to your doctor if you- just kidding. But seriously, have an open discussion with your partner on what they prefer and when. Sometimes they may want both approaches depending on the situation. For example, in new environments such as your D-type’s home where their spouse lives is not the best place for anticipatory service. One would seem rude rifling through cabinets to look for a glass.

There are no clear winners in anticipatory versus reactive approaches to service. Both are used to explore different aspects of the dynamic between s- and D-types. The most important thing is that you customize them for your relationship and clearly communicate these wants and needs. Because ultimately, the choice of service depends entirely upon the preferences and comfort levels of all participants.

The 24 Signs You Are in a Consensually Toxic Relationship

Ashtyn Drapela

This list really starts with number 2 because the most important part of this checklist is that you consented at one point or another. If you feel like this list describes you and you did not meet the criteria for number 1, please reach out for help.

  1. You consented to a consensually toxic or abusive relationship.
  2. Your partner humiliates you by calling you names like “cunt, bitch, whore,” etc.
  3. Control is a key factor in how they engage with you such as monitoring your behavior.
  4. They blame you for their own abusive behavior, “If you didn’t make me so angry I wouldn’t have…”
  5. Your partner frequently gaslights you by denying facts and toxic or abusive behavior.
  6. You are insulted in creative and backhanded ways, like, “Your big ears are lovely.”
  7. Whether you are polyamorous, monogamous, or something in between, your partner acts out their jealousy and possessiveness.
  8. Sometimes they lash out at you for no fault of your own. Like hitting you in the back of the head when they’re frustrated by a project.
  9. Speaking of hitting you in the head, did you know you can get a nose bleed from being boxed around?
  10. You can also get a nose bleed if they ram your face into the carpeted floor. You may also get carpet burn on your forehead.
  11. In public, your partner embarrasses you like giving up intimate details of your sex life.
  12. Your partner might take unflattering photos of you. The pictures could be posted to social media.
  13. Oftentimes your partner hints that they’ve started an OnlyFans account without your permission.
  14. They criticize your hard work or the fact that you’ve fallen behind on your chores despite depression.
  15. Your partner maintains strict control over your social media accounts, even requiring you to ask permission to change your passwords.
  16. They read your personal, private messages and emails and reference them in conversations.
  17. With or without your knowledge, they track your location and movement. This could be through an app like Life360 or a hidden car tracker.
  18. They demand all your time and attention to the detriment of your other relationships.
  19. Your partner might claim their personal problems are somehow your fault. For example, they blame you for being late to a meeting when you had nothing to do with it.
  20. Manipulation is their bread and butter. “You don’t want to disappoint me, do you?”
  21. They relish the bruises on your face and promise to try harder next time they’re punching you.
  22. You are habitually threated with physical violence in order to modify your behavior.
  23. Your partner controls your food intake with no explanation. “You’re not eating lunch today.”
  24. Despite a known history of childhood abuse, they may yell loudly to frighten and trigger you.

This was a fun list to make. Remember kids, you can’t effectively abuse your partners if you don’t know them well enough. This list might have just been a “24 Ways to Fuck with me Specifically” for all I know.

BDSM Thought Experiments: Irrevocable Consent and Memory Loss

Ashtyn Drapela

My Master and I play the question game all the time. Which basically means, we take turns asking random things. This time, my question was, “If I had amnesia, would you consider my irrevocable consent revoked?” It’s an interesting notion because how irrevocable is it, then, if his answer is yes?

Amnesia can be caused by a variety of factors including injury, illness, or substance abuse. If you consider how frequently someone like me takes blows to the head, it’s something important to question.

Consent is an active part of most healthy and respectful BDSM or vanilla sexual relationship. It involves actively seeking and participatory receiving of agreement from partners before engaging in activities. However, navigating consent can become complex in the context of memory loss, like amnesia.

That being said, my Master and I practice something called irrevocable consent. You can read more about that here on Hannah the Scribe’s blog post “What Makes Irrevocable Consent Okay” or “Why I Chose Irrevocable Consent as a Label, What It Means to Me, and Why I Write About It.” To summarize, “no safe words, no limits.” I do not have the power to end my relationship, play, dynamic, etc. This is how I wanted it when I consented. This is how I currently want things, though now I consider it a moot point. I consented to slavery. Wanting things doesn’t matter.

If I had my memory of the last few years erased, would I want my consent revoked? Or rather, would the person I be like to? I’d like to think that I wouldn’t. I honor my commitments and I hope this other version of myself would as well. Sure, I wouldn’t know the ins and outs of what giving that consent once looked like. However, I would know that I gave it based on these blog posts and personal anecdotes from friends and family.

There would be a lot of growing pains, too. I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons in the last few years. Things hard won. A peace I never knew existed before Master. Losing that would be an immeasurable back-step. Going back to that chaos, would he even still want me?

Okay, well, I asked him and he said he would still want me. 😛

How to Start BDSM or M/s Relationships or Contracts

Ashtyn Drapela

Most people do BDSM for psychologically healthy reasons. It is with those people in mind that this is being written. Very early on in dating, they are transparent about needs, are willing to be vulnerable, set aside ego, and maintain those throughout the relationship to the best of their ability.

Healthy dynamics have:

  • Commitment to communication
  • High level of trust
  • Focus on partner’s happiness
  • Co-construction of a reality that satisfies needs of both partners
  • Compatibility doesn’t mean identical kinks
  • Use of deeper protocols when issues arise

What level of commitment are you and they willing to make towards communication? Complete transparency?

Do you leave yourself vulnerable to trusting me with your body and soul, boy? Do you leave yourself vulnerable to trusting me with letting you hold it, Ma’am?

Compatibility doesn’t mean identical kinks. One does not need to meet every inexhaustible fantasy reservoir our minds think up to be compatible in bed or in mind. It’s about how you make the ones you do match matter. Or, sometimes in M/s case, it doesn’t matter if only the Master wants it. It will happen.

Challenging Your Negative Thoughts

Ashtyn Drapela

The other night I was going about my usual routine and stopped to lay down for a few minutes. I had been going going going all day long and just needed a breather. But after a few seconds, my brain went into overdrive. My Master had walked by and seen me laying down.

I felt guilty. Unproductive. Lazy. I thought, “He must think I’m a POS.”

Normally, I would just get up and begin working on whatever again. This time, since starting therapy and actively checking the processes my brain has, I decided to ask. I challenged this idea that I am a lazy person by simply asking what he thought of me.

News flash: He said he thought I was very productive. Never once did it cross his mind that by taking a break I am unproductive or should hate myself. So, I just challenge all of you to do the same. Pay attention to the narrative your brain spins about you and ask questions.

Negotiating Scenes in BDSM

Ashtyn Drapela

Introduction

A crucial step for beginning play is negotiation. There really isn’t a tried and true method for having the conversation. Communication, however it can happen, is key. Make sure you feel confident enough going into the conversation with these tips.

Google Sheets

The best way for me to negotiate a scene is to use a self-made Google Sheets Negotiation List. I leave little notes where applicable, but the main idea is going through the list with your partner. Sometimes we spend time discussing fantasies we’ve had and breaking down the parts that most appeal to us.

Conversation

The most fruitful way for me to have a conversation on consent and negotiation is to have it over a messaging system. For example, I create a different group in Telegram and invite a potential play partner to join. We discuss things in a neutral, open space which we can then reference over time.

However, we both agree to not editing or deleting anything from the past. This is important because it takes a lot of trust.

Conclusion

There’s no one-size-fits all negotiation. Kink life is custom tailored to whatever works for you. If you want to let your freak flag fly on Google Sheets like me, hopefully the link above has helped in a small way.