Polyamorous and Kinky

Hi, I’m Ashtyn and I’m autistic with a pathological demand avoidance (PDA) profile and a slave in a Master/slave (M/s) dynamic! While it seems like a specific set of internal processes and external behaviors, it is different for everyone who experiences it. My own brand of autism could be the same in name as yours but look different inside and out. We are people, after all, not profiles.

First off, let’s define a demand. A demand can be social rules, promises, expectations, pecking order, or many other things. Basically, demand avoidance involves not being able to do things for yourself or others at certain times. We all do this to some extent, but marked demand avoidance is a significant trait in the PDA profile.

So, what exactly does this look like for me?

• High levels of anxiety in social situations
• Strong need for control over environment and routines
• Underlying difficulty in understanding social interactions
• Requiring a level of sameness and rigidity in routines
• Intense focus, often on other people, to the point of obsession
• Resistant and avoidant to demands (even if familiar with the activity/task)
• Difficulty following instructions or complying with rules
• Need for autonomy and agency within relationships

Ostensibly, this list is almost entirely in conflict with a M/s dynamic. As a slave, I give up control. I must follow instructions and comply with his rules. I give up my rights to autonomy and agency. I navigate social interactions for him. Seems fundamentally opposed to the M/s handbook to have a brain that works this way. However, my Master and I have learned ways to cope and thrive.

Our relationship takes a collaborative approach with negotiated demands and expectations. Unilateral decision making doesn’t happen often without conversation. I need to feel like my thoughts and feelings are heard even if I don’t get the final say. We keep the lines of communication completely open at all times. This requires a lot of emotional regulation on both our parts. Neither one of us wants to fly off the handle and call the other an “asshole,” right?

Master is patient with me when giving instructions. He sometimes has to repeat himself or text me instructions instead. He makes things easier to do. For example, brushing my teeth is one of the hardest demands in the book! He often brushes his teeth with me to help settle the avoidant knee-jerk. However, this doesn’t always work. We’re realistic about what I can accomplish in a given day.

As for being resistant to demands, it’s impossible to completely erase. I have to be very open with Master about my ability to do things. I can literally just say “I can’t do that right now” and we can discuss further. Obedience isn’t the foundation of our relationship, it’s understanding.

We’ve also decided on the term power slave for me. It means I function with a high level of autonomy within the M/s framework following his guidance. Basically, he tells me where he wants to go, and I figure out how to get there. This closely ties in with anticipatory service insomuch as I anticipate the paths he would want. I don’t always choose the right one, but every mistake is a learning opportunity.

The M/s framework for protocols and rituals mimic my need for sameness in routines. For example, from a very early age I needed to always walk on the same side of people. My friends were baffled but complied. Now, walking to the right and behind is a protocol in which I revel. Additionally, we have a morning ritual which I follow with rigidity. It feeds the part of me that needs sameness to function.

In short, the pathological demand avoidant profile for an autistic can mean one needs a high level of autonomy in life. A PDA profile does not mean one cannot be a slave. With trust, empathy, and communication anything is possible. Using the M/s framework might even be helpful for someone with this profile by providing structure in routines.

It was a cold December day circa 2021 when my now-Master decided to abduct me. We had started the weekend like many others in those days… at a hotel playing sick games in our perfect little bubble of depravity. That weekend involved drowning, beatings, speculums, and more. But the crowning gem started in the car on the way home.

My headspace was already wrecked. I was walking on sunshine and endorphins. High off the fumes of indecency and violence. It all came crashing down before I could ask, “Where are we going?”

He started sighing as we careened down Broadway Street. Small, angry sighs at first. Then bigger and angrier and louder and meaner. It sent me into a vicious mode of flight that I couldn’t shake. I tried not to telegraph my thoughts by looking at the door handle.

Not too long before that day, I had explained how my step-father used to sigh. I would get frenzied internally but outwardly go still. As if any slight eye movement in the wrong direction would cause him to lash out. That to me, pain followed sighs and side glances.

My hands gripped the seams of my jeans and before I knew it his hand came fast. Slamming my head into the passenger side window. Again. And again. And again. I screamed in terror. Begging him for mercy. He began raining blows down then with no rhyme or reason. It was a calculated onslaught meant to wear my thin shred of humanity away and leave a caged animal.

Neither of us can exactly remember what was said on that short drive but the outcome was clear. My mind twisted in fear as this stranger was poised to kill me and my family. I was at his mercy. We were not on the way home as thought when we left the hotel. Instead, we pulled into a Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot a not far from our original destination.

He exited the car and came around to open my door. “Don’t make a fucking sound.” He snarled as he jerked me out of the car. He held on tightly to my wrist and dragged me forward. I looked desperately around for an onlooker. Something to say “this isn’t real” or maybe that it was. My vision swam as the entryway came into focus. He pushed me through the open door, standing behind me like a gentleman would.

I kept my eyes downcast as he arranged seating for us. I could find that seat blindfolded today. I don’t remember much past that. He ordered for us, me too out of it to even meet the server’s gaze. I’m thoroughly glad that she didn’t call the police as my mind was screaming for at the time. When our drinks came, in front of god and everyone, he scrunched up his straw wrapper into a ball and shot it at my face. What a pretty sight that must have been for him as he dug out his phone to capture it forever.

I looked towards the only other occupied table to see if they had noticed. No one was paying us any mind. The televisions blared at me as somewhere basketball was being played as though nothing were out of the ordinary. I asked to use the bathroom. “You have five minutes.” He agreed, but, “Give me your phone.”

The rest of the night unfolded in a rather unfun way. We learned that I would refuse aftercare given enough abuse which led to me sleeping in my car outside of Axelrad. Live and learn. The two mementos I took from the night. The picture he took and a giant fucking lump on the side of my head!

harsh breaths batter the otherwise still room
as your dangerous game of lion and lamb hovers
palpably between your prowl and the pounce
uselessly, my body lies deathly motionless, lest
i give you reason to show me why my heart
races and stutters when you move closer
love, yes, but fear and promises, and knowledge
you want me jagged and broken; bloodied and bruised
the intensity of your gaze vows the embrace of a
thousand graves with the writhing torment of
reanimation in your image; a broken toy
remade by your fire creeping through the
very bones you’d love to break

For those in service to their Dom, Domme, Master, or Mistress the are several approaches on how to serve. They go by different names like preventative, curative, and restorative. However, for our purposes we will use anticipatory and reactive service. So, what are they?

Anticipatory service is is when the s-type partner actively anticipates and meets the needs of the D-type partner before those needs are expressed. This type of service requires the s-type to be attentive, observant, and to carefully act with haste. The s-type is expected to be proactive in their service and take initiative to fulfill their partner’s needs, wants, and desires. For instance, without being asked, checking your D-type’s bathroom for a full toilet paper roll and fresh hand towels.

On the other hand, reactive service is when the s-type responds to the D-type partner’s commands or actions. This might manifest as specific instructions or set of rituals and customs which the D-type previously established. For example, if your D-type’s drink is dry you wait for them to tell or ask for a new one. Ostensibly, this approach is less demanding. However, for those of us whose natural inclination is anticipatory service, it can feel like serving with one hand tied behind your back.

My own experiences are a blend of both approaches. Overall, I fall into the anticipatory category, but I am merely human. Anticipating every need all the time can be taxing especially with other stimuli. Both approaches have their own unique benefits and disadvantages. Reactive service allows the s-type to focus on following instructions and responding to demands to the letter. Whereas anticipatory service enables the s-type to be in tune with their D-type insomuch as feeling like a mind-reader!

It’s important to note that communication, as always, is key to ensure that both parties feel comfortable and confident with the approach they are providing and receiving. Talk to your doctor if you- just kidding. But seriously, have an open discussion with your partner on what they prefer and when. Sometimes they may want both approaches depending on the situation. For example, in new environments such as your D-type’s home where their spouse lives is not the best place for anticipatory service. One would seem rude rifling through cabinets to look for a glass.

There are no clear winners in anticipatory versus reactive approaches to service. Both are used to explore different aspects of the dynamic between s- and D-types. The most important thing is that you customize them for your relationship and clearly communicate these wants and needs. Because ultimately, the choice of service depends entirely upon the preferences and comfort levels of all participants.

I was not always painfully shy. Once I was a vivacious child who was the boss of all her friends. (I’ve always known exactly what I wanted and how I wanted it done.) That gregarious child asked questions and cared deeply for others. They didn’t know solitude or hunger or pain. They didn’t crave violence or humiliation or fear. They didn’t know what it was like to not be loved.

That light and breezy child was beaten down and hung up somewhere to dry and forgotten. Somewhere in the last 5 years, I decided I needed to let that child down- to free them. This idea, rediscovering my inner child, was married to the notion that I wanted others to feel seen. There’s this rule that I made and I’ve damn well stuck by it. If someone affects me somehow, I have to reach out and let them know. Too often we let connections like that be one sided. Too often I felt myself reaching out for help and connection only to be spurned.

So, what’s your story? It can be anything you feel like telling, but the story you choose will speak volumes as well. I promise that I genuinely want to know. I will see the words unspoken. We don’t have to be friends but I hope to know you. I hope to hear you. You who are aching for connection as well. Whose inner child was lost or taken.